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Wife Devastated To Learn Of Husband's Prior Conquests

Abigail Van Buren on

DEAR ABBY: I met my husband on the job when we were one year out of school. We are both 36. We dated for three years and were compatible in every way. Ten years later, we have two kids (7 and 5), own a home and are financially secure.

When we dated, we discussed our history, and he told me that he'd had five prior girlfriends. I had three boyfriends in college. Well, I learned a few months ago -- at his reunion -- that he completely forgot the part about his competitive frat-boy past with hook-ups and one-night stands. He now estimates that he was with over 50 different girls during college, but says it shouldn't bother me because it was meaningless sex and in the past. He said he told me five because they were the ones he counted as relationships.

Now I see women on his social media who went to the same school and I obsess about how they fit into his past. It's driving me crazy, and I feel like just a number now. I know if this situation were reversed, he'd flip out about it.

I wish I had never found this out because I see him differently now, and no longer want to be close to him. He's a good father and husband, but I'm struggling with how to accept this new information, and I need some guidance. -- WISH I DIDN'T KNOW

DEAR WISH: People usually lie because they aren't proud of the truth. You say he has been a good husband and father. This is why you need to find it in your heart to forgive him. If you have caught him in lies since then, you have a reason to be reacting the way you have. However, if you haven't, please consider talking with a licensed marriage and family therapist until you have worked it through. The resentment you feel could destroy your marriage. Please do not let that happen.